See Me See You

“As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has- or ever will have- something inside that is unique to all time. It’s our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.”

– Fred Rogers

You have worth and you are worthy! I’ve been thinking a lot about the inherent value of a soul… of each individual soul. (And the keyword here is inherent!) Each individual is born with a worth indeterminable by humankind. We are all here living and doing the best that we can with what we have. The part that intrigues me is this: We can never truly know the effect we have on the world or on humanity. That ripple effect is impossible to follow from our limited points of view. It is easy to lose a sense of the value we hold when we are caught up in the current of living. How beautiful it is when we find others who are present enough to remind us!

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”

– Wes Angelozzi

This quote is what inspired me to write today. I was born a caregiver by nature. I have chosen social work as my career. I thrive when making connections and enjoying the diversity and uniqueness of those around me. The challenge of helping a person find that spark that will ignite the fire of their potential thrills me. I love to witness the moment when someone in the throes of battle remembers the strength inside of them and finds the will to carry on – and even thrive. In that way, I am honored by my profession.

When we expect the best in others and give each person the benefit of believing that they are doing the best they can, we help them to achieve their potential. We help make the world a better place by expecting that it is. 

“We are what we believe we are.”

– C.S. Lewis

For your listening pleasure: I Like You as You Are – Fred Rogers

Your Hands

I took your wedding ring off of your finger because I had an idea. Your hands, always so large and rugged, looked like those of a giants. My idea! It worked! Your ring fit right over the top of my big toe!

“Cold hands, warm heart.” That’s what you’d always say. Your hands were cold and your heart was warm. Your heart and hands always welcomed me to stay.

Pretty painted nails and I wanted to be just like you. You didn’t always have your nails done, but when you did, that’s when I noticed. Your hands were always busy: baking, cleaning, in service – always in service. They comforted me, taught me, and helped me with my every need.

Big, strong, hands. Never lost a mercy fight. Those big, strong, hands rubbed my owies right away. Those big, strong, hands fixed my bikes and then my cars. Those big, strong, hands held me and told me everything would be alright.

You were sleeping and we were holding hands when I realized that I was in love with you. Your hand created such a tender cradle for mine and I felt that rhythmic drum of love start beating in my chest. The euphoria coursed through my veins. I went to sleep with a smile on my face and awoke with my heart in your hands.

To listen to: With My Own Two Hands

Hello. Goodbye.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love, love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Jamie Anderson

This year has been a year of great progress, and great disappointments. Losing friends and family members, not through death, but through betrayal and hard feelings has been the hardest thing for me to bear. A few people, both family and friends, are no longer participants in my life. Some through my choice, others by their own. I know that it hurts. I know that my heart is broken for each relationship lost. I know that I love these people, but can no longer have them in my life as they once were. It’s hard not only because my heart is broken, but my pride is too. I always thought of myself, my family, and my friends as unbreakable and loyal come what may. The thought that we are not is heartbreaking in itself. I thought we were better. I thought we were stronger. I thought we would be there for each other through thick and thin. I found my tribe long ago. It’s difficult to see people go, but in every society, in every tribe, people move on and away and hopefully up to a better place in time. As I think about the relationships lost this year, I begin to see past loss, that I’ve survived. I know I will get through and the pain will lessen, but I still feel holes where people, my loves, once were.

I also think about the new friends who have been sent my way. I’ve made several re-connections over the past few years with people who bring immeasurable joy, depth, love and laughter to my life. Maybe for each loss, I’ve been blessed with something found that once was lost, a friendship rekindled, an idea that comes full circle. In fact, there are three people who have come back into my life, each filling a vital role. These are not people with whom I’ve had a falling out. They are people who have drifted away and now back. I once wrote about being tossed about in a blackened sea of disciples… and I paddled and kicked and swam away, until the storm finally subsided. In its original context, I was striving to find my voice, my unique abilities and to break away from societal norms when I felt so strongly the need to be me. Now I’m left in a calming sea with waters warm and healing. I feel the tide gently delivering the people I need most.

Something to listen to: Hello. Goodbye.

Project Elf! Cedar City Edition

“The Christmas Box International partners with local, national and international communities and groups to prevent child abuse and to improve the quality of life for children, teens and young adults who have been abused, neglected or are homeless.

Our motto is simple: every child deserves a childhood.”

I have been blessed to interact with Christmas Box International through volunteer work at The Christmas Box House. The Christmas Box House is a haven for children who, for one reason or another, have no other place to live in safety.

Reading bedtime stories to the children was my favorite activity. I spent time each week after dinner with a group of younger kids who were living there, and I was able to witness first hand the good that comes from the staff, children, and clients who make up The Christmas Box House.

This year, I am in Cedar City, away from the hub at which I first began to volunteer. I have maintained contact however, and it has come to my attention that there is a real need for additional new Christmas gifts for children/teens in foster homes in the Cedar City area.

Please join us in Project Elf!

We are partnering with the Foster Family Resource Room in Cedar on this project. Please contact me directly if you would like to help.

Here’s a “wish list” with ideas of gifts these children would really enjoy.

Loving Yourself is Key

I’ve come back from a terrible depression, and I’ve learned through several bouts of it, that I need medication regularly. If I stop taking it, I fall into the pit again. And I fall deeper, into a darker darkness than I have known before.

Loving yourself is key. Somehow, I have taken back seat to other causes in my life when I am my most important cause. I form the foundation for all of the things that I do, and when I don’t take care of myself, I can’t fulfill my passions or do anything else worthwhile for long. So, I’m learning (still) that when I prioritize my self-care, I am happier. I make stronger connections, and connections are my purpose. I’m able to care better about others. I’m able to help others too. As a matter of fact, I’m sharing this in hopes of helping others who may struggle with similar issues. Today is World Mental Health Awareness Day, and mental illness is something I know a little about.

Mental Illnesses are diseases. They are life threatening and scary, and treatable and always there. It was an enlightening moment when I realized that my depression is similar to my dad’s diabetes. He needs to take insulin for his body to function properly. I need to take medication in order for my mind to operate properly. It’s a simple enough concept, but we are far from fully embracing it.

I am lucky. I have a wonderful group of family and friends who support me, and love me… even when I don’t love myself. They carry me when I can’t move. I am thankful for their patience and care. I am alive today because of it. I am grateful that I’ve been able to find an amazing doctor, and that she cared enough to provide the services (through a grant) that I so desperately needed when I was out of a job and out of money. I was at the end of my rope.

Not everyone has what I have. Not everyone survives the battle. Suicide is the most preventable killer. It takes courage to speak up, speak out or just be there for someone, but conquering that fear just may save a life.

Awareness, education, and just talking about the issues makes all the difference in the world. I have loved, lived with, worked with and served people with many different types of mental illness. And the thing is, mental illness can be scary. The unknown is scary, BUT by talking about our illnesses or to others who have mental illness, we bridge that gap between the unknown and the known. The gap between fear and understanding.

We must educate ourselves, educate others, and decide what we must do to make things better.

Below are listed some links to websites that support mental health awareness, mental health care and the mental health cause. If you’re reading this, chances are, you have made a difference in my life. Chances are, you know someone with mental illness. Chances are, you can make a difference in the world.

I love you,

Becca

The National Alliance on Mental Illness

US Department of Health and Human Services on Mental Health

To Write Love on Her Arms & Always Keep Fighting

Project Semicolon

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Please share links – if you have them of sites that you’ve found helpful in the comments section.

Listen up! Lift Him Up, Old Crow Medicine Show

Workin’ 9 to 5

I love this song, but my favorite lyrics are:

They let you dream just to watch ’em shatter
You’re just a step on the boss man’s ladder
But you got dreams he’ll never take away

In the same boat with a lot of your friends
Waitin’ for the day your ship’ll come in
And the tide’s gonna turn
and it’s all gonna roll you away

Something about the hope. I always cling to it. This is my round about way of getting to writing about my new job. It took a few tries and a few false starts, but I think I’m where I want to be right now.

I’m working for one of the Housing Authorities in my area. I’ve only been working for two weeks and already, I feel right at home. It’s exactly where I have my experience and the people I work with are great.

I feel that tide turning…

If you’d like to watch the great music video from 1980, well… here you go!

Moving Right Along

Yep. I’m moving again. This will be the 5th time in 8 months. Just a phase in my life. I’m the type who likes to grow roots. I like to stay in one spot for years at a time, so this past year has been an adventure for me.

I’m learning to travel light. I got rid of most of my larger possessions, lots of clothing, and odds and ends. Thanks to a few friends I have some valuables in storage. That doesn’t change the fact that I have to pack and box up everything I have with me… again. It’s a little stressful.

I’m getting better at organizing and separating and packing. My life has slowed down enough that I actually have time to prepare to move. On one of my several recent moves, my friends, family and I finished packing as we were moving. My job was sapping every last ounce of energy from me at the time. I’m learning more about what motivates me versus what causes me to procrastinate. So, yes, I’m moving right a long. And, as ever, I’m searching for the meaning – the lesson in all of this. Albert Einstein has a great way of putting life in perspective.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.

— Albert Einstein

Balance is something I could use more of in my life. I tend to do a little swaying. With all of this moving, I have to be getting steadier, right?

Let’s just say I’m working on my balance.

Shut up and listen: Movin’ Right Along, The Muppet Movie

The Opportunity’s On!

We are always creating, whether we realize it or not. So why not create with purpose and joy?

Joy has been elusive. Seems like it’s just around the corner… every corner, and I never quite catch it.

I feel like I can value and enjoy a moment: a dinner with friends, a Saturday at the lake, karaoke, camping with family, writing with passion and purpose. I can capture that joy. It’s when I’m left alone to motivate myself, to decide what I want to create, that things get overwhelming. I sometimes have no desire to even get out of bed. Why move? Why live?

That brings me back to those moments, the ones I share, in love, with others. It’s that love that brings me joy, basking in the diversity that only together we exude.

I can sense myself coming to a conclusion, but I resist. I don’t want to be cliché. I don’t want to admit that I need to learn what so many have learned before.

I need to be me and continue to grow, continue to care for myself and learn, progress. Why do I hate these words?

Maybe I feel like I’ve failed. Maybe I have tried enough and never achieved. Maybe. But then there’s hope…

Advice (that I need to take) put to music: If you want to sing out, sing out, Cat Stevens aka Yusuf Islam

Goodbye, So Long, The Road Calls Me Dear

“Tonight, as I walked alongside the evening sun, the road fell away, and the light revealed more land, and the land invited me to leave all else behind, like dust, scattered amongst the weeds. So I did. And it was suddenly beautifully effortless to breathe.”
— Victoria Erickson

For some this may be an early goodbye, for some it may be late. It is a change in direction, nonetheless. It is a time of endings and of new beginnings. Friends and family are moving far away… and some are not so far away. Some are starting families. Some have new careers. Some are traveling the countryside. Some are traveling the world. We are living on our terms, building our dreams, and taking in the world a day at a time. What this boils down to is change, BIG CHANGE.

It has been coming for some time now. One change at a time until a culminating of many people shifting at once. Some of the change I took in stride, and some of it broke my heart. I cried, struggled, said it was okay, did nothing, buried my head in the sand, felt a little peace, dug my heels in, then finally let go. I didn’t realize that I was holding on so tight until I let go… And it was suddenly beautifully effortless to breathe.

These relationships we have built together will not go away. The struggles we’ve faced together have strengthened us and helped us to grow. The joy we’ve shared has bonded our souls. We have flourished as we have learned from one another. United, we are amazing, but it’s time to grow. It’s time for change. It’s time for saying goodbye. We’ll meet again and it will be beautiful and right and better than what we have now. Until then:

Wishing you always…
Walls for the wind,
A roof for the rain,
And tea beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you,
Those you love near you,
And all that your heart may desire.

With love,

Becca

Just Listen: Old Shoes & Picture Postcards, Tom Waits

15 Things I’ve Never Said to You (Part 2, nine years later)

I used this writing prompt 9 years ago on this blog. I liked it so much that I’ve decided to do it again.

TRY THIS: Write fifteen statements about fifteen different people without saying who each statement is written about. They can either be things you wish that you could say, things you wish that you would have said, or things that you would never say.

1. Despite my unconditional love for you, you keep me at a distance and make me feel judged. I long for a closeness that you just might never be capable of.
2. I don’t tell you everything because I value your feelings more than the truth. I value your friendship above others because you are loyal, true, you give me insight when I need it, and you bring out the best in me. Thank you.
3. You sometimes belittle me and make me feel intellectually disabled, and that hurts my feelings. You used to make me feel smart.
4. I love you, but I’m incredibly frustrated with you. I mourn the friendship that we once had. I accept you. Can you bring yourself to accept me as I am?
5. You’re super annoying when you’re drunk… or maybe you’re just super annoying when you’re drunk and I’m not. :p
6. We could have our happily ever after together. Consider the possibilities.
7. I love you in spite of our differences. I love you because of our differences. I’m sorry if I stress you out.
8. I wanna have your baby.
9. Thank you for accepting me and making me feel at home. I know it’s not as easy as it looks.
10. I’ve known you for a long time. You are interesting, smart… and a smart ass. I find myself strangely attracted to you. For some reason, I never considered you an option. Maybe I thought that the feeling wasn’t mutual when you were available. Are you available now? Wanna go out?
11. You did wrong. You hurt me deeply. I struggle with resentment against you to this day. I want to freely say that I wish you and your family the best. I do wish you the best. Wishing it without having to convince myself? Still working on that.
12. Thank you for facilitating one of the best phases of my life. Together we experienced the perfect combination of factors to work with passion, create lasting friendships, help numerous people in need, and learn about what it takes to joyfully succeed.
13. Please don’t judge me based on what I consider the lowest point in my life. I’m not lazy or inconsiderate. I was just trying to survive.
14. When I told you that I just liked the attention, what I should have said was this, “I loved you as much as I could love any boy back then. I remember that I didn’t want to take boys too seriously because we were so young, and I knew nothing was long term back then. I did however, love to flirt!”
15. Don’t hold back. Don’t hold on. Don’t stay where you are because you’re comfortable. You deserve the best even if that means leaving something good behind. (Because we both know the resentment is building.)

Music for the mood: Roll Away Your Stone, Mumford and Sons