Car-tastrophies…HA HA….Ha……….ha……….hmm…

So, I was driving home from my mom’s house last night. I pulled onto the on ramp to get on the freeway and suddenly all I could see was white. What happened? Where was I? Was I dead? Did I hit a dense fog? Was this heaven? What the heck!?? In a moment I knew what it was, “Hmm…how’d my hood get up here so close to the windshield?” It was just like on Tommy Boy! My hood had flipped up and blown back up to my windshield! Being the fast thinker that I am, I pulled over, flipped on the hazard lights and cautiously got out of my hundred dollar car. After dodging two vicious tumble weed, I pried the hood down as far as I could and then realized that it was stuck on my windshield wiper. I’m very talented when it comes to this kind of situation, and I was able to maneuver the windshield wiper while pulling down on the hood at the same time and TWALA!! I was able to pull it down. The bad part was that the hood wouldn’t latch, so I drove at 40 miles per hour on the freeway to the next exit. I thought it wise to take a slower route home. I did, it rained, and my windshield wipers still worked!!!
As I’ve mentioned before, I have quite a history with old cars. I love them, they love me, and as in every functional relationship there are occasional “bumps in the road.” I thought I might take this opportunity to share some fun and crazy things that have happened to me since I started driving, at the tender age of 16.
My first car was a 70’s Maverick. (It looked like a mustang) I loved it. The only problem was: The transmission was going. I must have bought more gallons of tranny fluid than gasoline for that thing! I could feel it slipping as I drove it to play laser tag one night, and I knew it was near the end. On the last day of school, my sophomore year, I was driving to and from the school pretending to go to class, getting my yearbook signed and hanging out with my friends. That day, of all days, was the day the transmission died. I had to drive it backwards to get anywhere. I ended up leaving it in the school parking lot.
While I was still in high school my dad worked out a trade with one of his friends to acquire an old rust crusted Datsun for my sister and I to drive. I don’t know what year it was, but I can tell you this: When I drove I could see the road beneath my feet and when you looked at the truck from one side, you could actually see through to the other side. I won’t tell you what we called it. One day my friend Robbie and I decided to skip school and go Christmas shopping, as we turned the corner the passenger door flew open and Robbie really thought he was a goner. I was always insist that passengers in my vehicles wear their seat belts. That day Robbie found out why. After school not to long after, I came out of school to find some of my friends breaking pieces of rusted truck metal off the truck as souvenirs. I’ve also heard a story about a wheel flying off of that truck, but that must have been while my sister was driving it.
There was a day when I drove the family Suburban to the mall to pay a bill for my parents, as I was backing up to leave, I heard a huge clunk. I stopped the car and got out to see what it was. One of the shocks had completely fallen off onto the ground. Some scumbag who happened to be near by when it happened, heard the noise and promptly accused me of backing up into his car. I asked him for proof and to show me where I had hit him. He wiped off some of the dust on his bumper and pointed at the clean spot as if my backing into him had done it. I thought, “Hey, if cleaning his bumper is what I did then he should be paying me!” I informed him that the noise had been a shock falling off my Suburban and that I hadn’t hit his car. He seemed to accept that and went on his way.
We had a truck called, “The Beast”for the longest time. We all loved it a lot. It was a big, old Chevy truck, not as rusty as the Datsun, but definitely older. It didn’t have power steering, so you had to pick up speed to make it around corners. (I got more complaints from the neighbors in that truck) It was a fun old truck, and some friends and I decided to take it out for a spin one night when my dad had told me to only drive it to my friends house and back. Well, we were cruising down State Street when suddenly there was a huge CLUNK and I lost power. Turns out the drive line broke right off. We coasted to a street where my friend just happened to know people who lived there. It was definitely a miracle! We walked back to pick up the drive line that was lying in the road, and while carrying it back we heard more cat calls, whistles and honking horns than you would normally hear in a traffic jam near a construction site. I had to call my dad and admit that I had taken the truck a little further than he had told me I could. He had to come and pick me up. My friends were so afraid of him being mad that they found their own rides home. (For getting up in the middle of the night to pick up his daughter from some weird place where the truck broke down because she hadn’t followed his advice, he wasn’t really that mad!)
Then there was this one time, I let my brother drive before he had his license- I was letting him experience driving with a stick shift and um, well, I told him to speed up and he drove over a curb and we ACCIDENTALLY broke the brake line off!! Um, we drove straight home and Dad was able to fix that one right away.
Then there was this other time, when I was 19. My friend Claudia and I went out one night to take funny pictures and we both had on these satin gowns. Hers was blue and mine was red. We did our hair up in curly-q dos and we did our eye make up so that it went out to our cheeks and foreheads. Yah- it was fun. Well, it snowed that night while we were out. It made for some great pictures and cold feet, but it snowed A LOT!! I drove Claudia home and just as we were turning the corner to get to her street from the highway, we slid partially off the road. I turned on my hazards to give anyone behind us plenty of warning that we were stuck, but still a lady crashed right into us and spun us completely around!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I called the police and everyone was okay and stuff, but we were standing out side of my van and the spare tire had been knocked off. So, there we were, in our beautiful attire standing at the side of the road. This car slowed down and started to pull up by us. Claudia thought that they were going to crash into us, so she backed up. She backed up right into that spare tire and her feet flew out from under her and her dress flew up over her head. I must admit it was pretty funny- although, I WAS concerned. Claudia was okay. The car that had slowed down was pulling over because they had witnessed the accident. It was a couple of guys and they sure got a laugh when they saw her fall. When the police officer arrived, he turned out to be my second cousin-How weird is that?- and I don’t even live in a small town! He called another officer to come to the scene. (“We have a conflict of interest here.”) We got home safely after that, but it was another late night when my dad had to come help me out. Thank goodness for daddies.
One day my (now x) boyfriend and I were really in a big time fight. We were both at our wits end and we decided to drive around while we “discussed” things so that neighbors and grandparents wouldn’t hear us fighting. Finally my boyfriend got to his breaking point. He rammed his car into a cinder block wall and punched the windshield repeatedly, cracking it beyond any repair and cutting up his knuckles pretty good while doing it. We were okay, the wall was pretty okay and his car still worked- kind of. We found out later that he had bent the frame of the car. Luckily it was, like nearly every car I’ve driven, an old car. He junked it, and took the bus from then on.
And so we learn that cars are neat and cars are fun, cars are loved by everyone… except for angry boyfriends.

5 thoughts on “Car-tastrophies…HA HA….Ha……….ha……….hmm…

  1. Another amazing post. Truly amazing. I was so excited to read this post when I read the title. Very, Very, Cool.

  2. How hillarious!!! Did the police take a picture of you guys with the broken down car? See what thrilling adventures and fun those new car drivers are missing…I have a few memories of my own, but I can’t remember them right now… But,thanks for sharing!!

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