Roger

These are the many faces of Roger. I have loved him for around 2 years now. I can’t believe it’s only been that long. I’ve loved Roger more than any other man in my life. We met at the D.I. I was administrative assistant to the manager and he was a frequent shopper. He even got a job there eventually. I had been lonely for a long, long time. He asked me to go to a movie and that was our first date. We sniggled the whole way through. We had an instant connection. He made me laugh. I never felt one ounce of guilt when I was around him- I had been plagued with guilt since I was little, over the most trivial things- that guilt was gone. He was sensitive and always trying to better himself. Things could be bad around him, but he was always trying to make it better. Always happy and energetic. I knew we were supposed to be together.
Without anything or anyone, I moved to an apartment alone with him. We slept on the bare floor the first night we were there because we didn’t have a car and we weren’t planning on getting stuck there that day. Roger cried and cried and told me that I saved him. I told him that he never had to go back to the life he had before. We had eachother. We used grocery bags and our coats for pillows and we slept with the heat turned up to 90 degrees just so that we could be warm on that first cold winter night. There was a time in my life where I chose him with out question or second thought over everything else in my life. I worked 2 jobs, one full time grave yard and the other part time during the day so that we could pay rent. He worked 2 jobs part time. We had A LOT of good times and I have many wonderful memories of spending time with Roger alone and with his sisters and brother (our next store neighbors) as well. It was a very difficult time for me too. I wasn’t satisfied with the apartment we lived in, it was hard getting used to living with another person so different from myself, I was constantly getting sick, and I couldn’t sleep during the day if I tried. Between Roger wanting to spend time with me and the kids who lived and played all around us in the apartment complex, it was impossible to sleep. I didn’t have the support of my family and I spent absolutely no time with my friends. I STILL CHOSE ROGER!
I quit my graveyard shift because I was sick so often that I had been suspended from work because of their strict attendance policy. I got in a huge fight with my boss because my pay was reduced without notice- my only source of income cut by 25%!!!! I was furious. The fight with my boss was resolved later, but at that time we couldn’t make rent. Roger was pushing to move back with his grandma, he wanted me to come with. So we moved in with the lady who raised him, the lady who took him when no one else would. The lady who abused him and hurt him and somehow helped mold him into the person he has become. After a little while there, he decided that he wanted me to move out. He loved me, but not enough to choose me at that time, but I stayed with him in the sense that we didn’t break up. We’ve been dating ever since . He’s been jobless ever since. I’ve supported him through mental breakdown, car breakdown, job breakdown and relationship breakdown. I’ve given time, love, money, and rides.
I still love him, I’ll love him till I die, but he’s not good for me. He doesn’t support me in the ways that I need support. I don’t want to be stuck on the only working end of a relationship for the rest of my life, and if I stay with him, I’ll marry him. I love him, but it’s time to move on. I’ve cried and cried more than I ever have before. He knows it’s time to move on, but he won’t accept it. I always want him as a part of my life. I’ve tried staying friends but, we always end up trying for more than friendship. He’ll be part of my own personal family as long as he lives. I don’t know how to express this more clearly. I miss him when I’ve just seen him. I know my decision to separate is right. But it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.
I love you Roger, you’ll always be a part of me. I hope I’ll always be a good part of you. Please forgive me for the hurt and remember me for the love. I’m a better person because of you, we’ve both grown and it’s time to move on.
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